The
Acadumby Awards, better known as the Oscars, is one of the stupidest,
phoniest, cheesiest, and most ridiculous annual events (of any kind) in
the world - that much we know. However, what very few of you do know is
that every year Hollywood honours actresses with the obscure but to me
most prestigious award of them all - the Best Tits Oscar.
I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.
Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).
How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.
RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.
LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold orange lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.
So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.
A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.
1980.
And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...
Acceptance Speech: "C'est avec beacoup jolie que j'apprend cette Les Meilleur Tits Award, et je pense que Tatum ne doit etre furieux, parcequ'elle est une salope tres jeune et a beacoup de temps pour montre sa tits dans les prochaines films que cette slut nepotistique fais. Lisa, tu etais le favorite pour gagner cette trophy mais ma tits sont plus belle que tes tits, au moins c'est que le majorite de 5,000 masturbateurs pense."
1981.
And The Winner Is...
1982.
And The Girl With The Best Boobs Is...
Acceptance Speech: "Does Wood ring a bell... anyone?... No, no, no, I don't mean a cock getting hard when a guy sees my great big tits on the small screen. I mean "Wood", as in Natalie Wood. I'm her little sister. Yup, you might have seen me fall into a swimming pool in a James Bond movie, but most likely you will remember me for this amazing B-movie horror flick in which a ghost, played by that Indian Sandokan guy, repeatedly rapes me during the night. Barbara Hershey made a movie this year with the exact same premise, so fuck her and fuck that director for trying to sponge off of our fame! Here I am raking up this award for getting sexually assaulted by a ghost, and Barbara who also had ghost issues didn't even get nominated! Well, Babs, next time you make a movie about being raped 150 times make sure you show more tits - and also make sure they're YOURS! Having a stand-in is cheating, bitch... Anyway, really really happy to win this thing, and if I make any more movies in which I'm sleeping naked at night so that a ghost can molest me with more ease, please feel free to nominate me again. The food here is great, and the drinks aren't bad either. I've had a few bottles already and still haven't even remotely tried to vomit. So many great tits that have been nominated this year, and I feel blessed, proud but also humble to have beaten all these 20 staggeringly beautiful boobs. And remember, none of you are losers, because taking your clothes off in front of millions of people is art, and when you make art you should feel like an artist. We're all artists!"
1983.
And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...
Acceptance Speech: "Like wow! Oh my God, and stuff, it's like such a thrill to be standing here, facing so many horny men and breastaly gifted women, accepting this awesome award! I have never, like, not even in my wildest dreams imagined that one day me flashing my tits to millions of viewers will gain me this kind of respect, coz like getting an award means your peers and society see you as a true thespian artist and stuff, and like I'm so happy to be making these films coz when I take my tits out in the future I will know that they will not only make pants wet but get me perhaps like even more awards."
1984.
And The Winner Is...
Acceptance Speech: "Yes!!! I honestly didn't think I'd win it, because there were soooo many hot favourites to lift this amazing award. Not just another 10 excellent pairs of tits that make our male audiences drool and pant like retards, but also so many bushy shots this year in all those arty European films about incest, rape, sadism, pedophilia, and sexual violence, so I thought our little Michael Caine comedy didn't stand a chance. But it just goes to prove that Vjetropev has held his word that the award wouldn't be about politics, nepotism or anything else but tits."
I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.
Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).
How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.
RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.
LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold orange lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.
So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.
A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.
Oscars For Best Tits: 1980-1984
1980.
 |
| Sibylle Rauch in "Drei Lederhosen in St. Tropez" |
 |
| Cindy Morgan in "Caddyshack" & Dawn Clark in "Hollywood Knights" |
 |
| Katja Bienert in "Fabian" & Tatum O'Neal in "Circle of Two" |
 |
| Mare Winningham in "One-Trick Pony" & Serena Grandi in "Les exploits d'un jeune Don Juan" |
 |
| Kareen Schroter in "Und nachstes Jahr am Balaton" & Brigitte Lahaie in "Night of the Hunted" |
 |
| Lisa Glaser in "Humanoids of the Deep" |
 |
| Anne Bennent in "Lulu" |
And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...
 |
| Dominique Journet for "Night of the Hunted" |
Acceptance Speech: "C'est avec beacoup jolie que j'apprend cette Les Meilleur Tits Award, et je pense que Tatum ne doit etre furieux, parcequ'elle est une salope tres jeune et a beacoup de temps pour montre sa tits dans les prochaines films que cette slut nepotistique fais. Lisa, tu etais le favorite pour gagner cette trophy mais ma tits sont plus belle que tes tits, au moins c'est que le majorite de 5,000 masturbateurs pense."
1981.
 |
| P.J. Soles in "Stripes" & Carole Bouquet in "Tag der Idioten" |
 |
| Jennifer Stewart in "Sizzle Beach, U.S.A." |
 |
| Sylvia Wright in "Sizzle Beach, U.S.A." (left) + "Bloody Birthday" (right) |
 |
| Carole Davis in "Piranha 2" & Edwige Fenech in "Cornetti alla crema" |
 |
| Gila von Weitershausen in "Die Faelschung" |
 |
| Isabelle Adjani in "Quartet" (pics on the left), "Next Year If All Goes Well" (top right) + "Possession" (bottom right) |
 |
| Laura Antonelli in "Chaste And Pure" |
 |
| Azizi Johari in "Body and Soul" |
 |
| Elizabeth Berridge in "Funhouse" & Ljiljana Blagojevic in "Da li se secas Dolly Bell?" |
 |
| Luan Peters (Aussie girl from Fawlty Towers) in "Pacific Banana" |
 |
| Jamie Rose in "Just Before Dawn" |
 |
| Terri Welles in "Looker" |
And The Winner Is...
 |
| Julie Andrews in "S.O.B." |
 |
| Acceptance Speech: "Do you guys realize that this was the first time ever I showed my tits to anyone, aside from my husband of course. And the boyfriend before him. And the dozens of quickie affairs before the boyfriend. Wow. And what about the fact that I chose to premiere my boobs for the first time at the age of 46 - and straight away won! Perhaps I should pursue a softcore porn career from now on, seeing as how not many offers are coming my way these days - apart from getting to star in this stinking bomb coz Blake knows he'd never get oral sex from me ever again if he didn't give me parts in his movies. After all, why else marry a Hollywood director, right? Certainly not because of his looks, I mean just look at his stupid face. So here I am, all the way, way way back from the naive 60s "Mary Poppins" fluff for the kiddies to this vapid tasteless comedy directed by my stupid husband Blake Edwards - now that deserves respect. To tell you the truth, showing my tits wasn't his idea, it was mine. I guess I just wanted all those young cows to see how a pair of middle-aged tits can stand and not hang despite their age. And now I even snatched the award right under their noses. Kiss my ass, bitches!" |
1982.
 |
| Tessa Richarde in "Cat People" (left) + "The Last American Virgin" (right) |
 |
| Diane Franklin in "The Last American Virgin" |
 |
| Myriem Roussel in "Godard's Passion" |
 |
| Joanna Whalley in "A Kind of Loving" & Leslie Graves in "Death Wish 2" |
 |
| Jenny Wright in "The World According To Garp" & Annette O'Toole in "Cat People" |
 |
| Kimberly McArthur in "Young Doctors In Love" |
 |
| Jeanne Goupil in "Paradis pour tous" |
 |
| Gisele Lindley in "Forbidden Zone" |
 |
| Desiree Nosbusch in "Der Fan" |
 |
| Lory del Santo in "La Gorilla" & Penelope Milford in "Blood Link" |
 |
| Camille Keaton in "Kung Fu Cannibals" (left and center) + "The Concrete Jungle" (right) |
 |
| Michela Miti in "Vieni avanti cretino" |
 |
| Christa Abel in "Das liebestolle Internat" |
 |
| Fanny Cottencon in "Paradis pour tous" |
 |
| Debra Blee in "The Beach Girls" |
 |
| Terri Susan Smith in "Basket Case" |
And The Girl With The Best Boobs Is...
 |
| Lana Wood in "Demon Rage" |
Acceptance Speech: "Does Wood ring a bell... anyone?... No, no, no, I don't mean a cock getting hard when a guy sees my great big tits on the small screen. I mean "Wood", as in Natalie Wood. I'm her little sister. Yup, you might have seen me fall into a swimming pool in a James Bond movie, but most likely you will remember me for this amazing B-movie horror flick in which a ghost, played by that Indian Sandokan guy, repeatedly rapes me during the night. Barbara Hershey made a movie this year with the exact same premise, so fuck her and fuck that director for trying to sponge off of our fame! Here I am raking up this award for getting sexually assaulted by a ghost, and Barbara who also had ghost issues didn't even get nominated! Well, Babs, next time you make a movie about being raped 150 times make sure you show more tits - and also make sure they're YOURS! Having a stand-in is cheating, bitch... Anyway, really really happy to win this thing, and if I make any more movies in which I'm sleeping naked at night so that a ghost can molest me with more ease, please feel free to nominate me again. The food here is great, and the drinks aren't bad either. I've had a few bottles already and still haven't even remotely tried to vomit. So many great tits that have been nominated this year, and I feel blessed, proud but also humble to have beaten all these 20 staggeringly beautiful boobs. And remember, none of you are losers, because taking your clothes off in front of millions of people is art, and when you make art you should feel like an artist. We're all artists!"
1983.
 |
| Lea Thompson in "All the Right Moves" |
 |
| Monique Gabrielle in "Chained Heat" |
 |
| Valerie Kaprisky in "Breathless" & Michelle Mais in "Trading Places" |
 |
| Sandrine Bonnaire in "A nos amours" & Beverly D'Angelo in "Vacation" |
 |
| Sonia Braga in "Gabriela" & Kimberly McArthur in "Easy Money" |
 |
| Elzbieta Panas in "Wielki Szu" |
 |
| Astrid Brandt in "Screwballs" & Desiree Nosbusch in "Questo e quello" |
 |
| Maryam D'Abo in "XTRO" & Terrea Foster in "Screwballs" |
 |
| Barbara Peckinpaugh in "The Witching" (added scene in a re-issue of a 1972 movie) |
 |
| Sue Bowser in "Scarface" & Patti Tippo in "10 To Midnight" |
 |
| Lynda Wiesmeier in "Private School" |
 |
| Katya Berger in "The Moon in the Gutter" |
 |
| Kym Malin in "Joysticks" |
 |
| Atsuko Asano in "The Geisha" |
 |
| Cisse Cameron in "Porky's II" |
 |
| Graem McGavin in "My Tutor" |
 |
| Phyllis Logan in "Another Time, Another Place" |
 |
| Oona Kirsch in "The Nation's Health" |
And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...
 |
| Jennifer Inch in "Screwballs" |
Acceptance Speech: "Like wow! Oh my God, and stuff, it's like such a thrill to be standing here, facing so many horny men and breastaly gifted women, accepting this awesome award! I have never, like, not even in my wildest dreams imagined that one day me flashing my tits to millions of viewers will gain me this kind of respect, coz like getting an award means your peers and society see you as a true thespian artist and stuff, and like I'm so happy to be making these films coz when I take my tits out in the future I will know that they will not only make pants wet but get me perhaps like even more awards."
1984.
 |
| Hunter Tylo in "The Initiation" & Monique Gabrielle in "Bachelor Party" |
 |
| Stefania Sandrelli in "Una donna allo specchio" & Anne Bennent in "Swann In Love" |
 |
| Valerie Kaprisky in "L'annee des meduses" (below) + "La femme publique" (above) |
 |
| Jennifer Inch in "Lady Libertine" |
 |
| Maud Winchester in "Birdy" |
 |
| Janice Renney in "Crimes of Passion" |
 |
| Maruschka Detmers in "La pirate" (left) + "Vengeance du serpent a plumes" (right) |
 |
| Dijana Sporcic in "Davitelj protiv davitelja" |
 |
| Beate Finckh in "Ich oder du" |
 |
| Lynda Wiesmeier in "R.S.V.P." (above) + "Preppies" (below) |
 |
| Angela Aames in "The Lost Empire" |
 |
| Karin Mani in "Alley Cat" & Judith Baldwin in "No Small Affair" |
 |
| Linda Blair & Rebecca Perle in "Savage Streets" |
 |
| Marina Sirtis in "Blind Date" |
 |
| Bo Derek in "Bolero" |
 |
| Elizabeth Berridge in "Amadeus" & Victoria Abril in "Rio abajo" |
 |
| Vitomira Loncar in "U raljama zivota" |
 |
| Graem McGavin in "Angel" |
And The Winner Is...
 |
| Michelle Johnson in "Blame It On Rio" |
Acceptance Speech: "Yes!!! I honestly didn't think I'd win it, because there were soooo many hot favourites to lift this amazing award. Not just another 10 excellent pairs of tits that make our male audiences drool and pant like retards, but also so many bushy shots this year in all those arty European films about incest, rape, sadism, pedophilia, and sexual violence, so I thought our little Michael Caine comedy didn't stand a chance. But it just goes to prove that Vjetropev has held his word that the award wouldn't be about politics, nepotism or anything else but tits."
Best Tits Oscars 1985-1989:
Which Are The Best Songs From 1970-2013?
Have You Ever Done An I.Q. Test?
The Trading Places chick is Barra Kahn. If you google her name there are images of her as an older woman.
ReplyDelete