The
Acadumby Awards, better known as the Oscars, is one of the stupidest,
phoniest, cheesiest, and most ridiculous annual events (of any kind) in
the world - that much we know. However, what very few of you do know is
that every year Hollywood honours actresses with the obscure but to me
most prestigious award of them all - the Best Tits Oscar.
I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.
Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).
How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.
RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.
LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold orange lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.
So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.
A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.
1990.
And The Winner of The Best Tits Oscar Is...
1991.
And The Best Boobs Of The Year Are...
Acceptance Speech: "What a wonderful, wonderful award you've given me for my lovely puffy nips. But this isn't about my tits, is it? It's about Art. (Chairman Vjetropev is shouting that it's about the tits.) I hope everyone sitting here today appreciates the kinds of sacrifices us actresses make every day for our Art. For example, giving in to the director who insisted that Hugo Weaving drools all over my boobs in that significant boob-winning scene. Have you any idea how disgusting that is? Hugo is a very ugly man, and I pick my men carefully, so you can imagine how many vomit bags I had to fill before that awful day of shooting was finally over. Hugo, of course, might one day become a star and find his own pair of stunning breasts to drool over, but right now he is a nobody and there's nothing worse than having to shoot a sex scene with a guy who's a nobody. Still, I will always be remembered as the tart who seduces a blind man in an Aussie drama nobody's even heard of, and that's no minor feat."
1992.
And The Best Tits Of The Year Are...
1993.
And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...
Acceptance Speech: "Ha! I finally won an Oscar! As I knew I would. The whole world knows about my immense talents, which stretch all the way from impersonating a singer to flashing my tits on stage and flashing my tits in movies, but OK, I forgive the world, you know. Soon - very soon - I will get the other Oscar too, and then I'll be a legend like Marilyn Monroe, who is maybe beautiful whereas I'm fucking ugly, but hey it's the 90s, and nowadays you just need to be an asshole to succeed. And when I have both Oscars in my hands, I will be the most important woman in the universe, and everyone will listen to my important political views on why wars are bad and why Sean Penn is an intellectual and not a moron, and people will read my books about agriculture, architecture, astrophysics, cooking, psychology and French literature! And all will bow before me and recite the Kaballah over and over until I allow them to take a break to eat and shit, and I will replace Jesus as the new God, and all will love me as their one and only true queen, and my music will be played on loud-speakers in city squares all over the world at 300 decibels 24 hours a day, and my genetically perfect children will be treated as the future messiahs of the world, and I will own all the oceans and the mountains, and even the little rivers that go to all those strange countries where I tour to make huge amounts of money from all those cretins who buy my tickets, and I will still not be content!!! Oh my God, I suddenly feel like Cate Blanchet in Fellowship of the Ring in that scene when she puts the Ring of Power on her finger and visualizes killing everybody with a large machine-gun! I so agree with Camigula or whatever the hell his name was; if only all my enemies had one neck so I could snap it!"
1994.
And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...
Acceptance Speech: "When you sign up for a movie called The Tit & The Moon then you pretty much know what you're in for - namely plenty of tits! There's milk squirting out of tits, tits being taken out in the middle of the street in broad daylight, plenty of fucking of course, and even little boys sucking on tits; you know, the usual plethora of Euro-trash art-fart bullshit posing as metaphoric art. But as long as they pay me well, I'll flash my tits anywhere and any time. How long was it since my first Best Tits Oscar? 9 Years! Last time I had to share my win with that French floozy, so it's really nice to be the only winner this time around - and the first Best Tits repeat winner, I might add! And again I came out on top in one of the toughest years ever. Nadia and Kate: better luck next time. And you Meredith, there are rumours you failed to win the Oscar this year only because you showed just one tit. That'll teach you to be shy when trying to titilate audiences. Come on, girl, you gotta take both tits out! As for Jane, you had real actual sex in those porn scenes in The Lover, you know you did! Quit bullshitting your fans, we all saw his dick going inside, you dumb bimbo. And you would have done it again this year, except that Bruce Willis had his wife on the set all the time."
I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.
Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).
How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.
RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.
LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold orange lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.
So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.
A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.
Oscars For Best Tits: 1990-1994
1990.
 |
| Dominique Journet in "Serie Rose" |
 |
| Sherilyn Fenn in "Meridian" & Susan Sarandon" in "White Palace" |
 |
| Guiditta del Vecchio in "Jours tranquilles a Clichy" & Charlotte Gainsbourg in "Night Sun" |
 |
| Trine Dyrholm in "Springflod", Kerry Fox in "An Angel At My Table" & Mathilda May in "Naked Tango" |
 |
| Anna Galiena in "Jours tranquilles a Clichy" |
 |
| Stacy Brink in "Ski School" & Marsha Mason in "The Image" |
 |
| Valeria Bruni Tedeschi in "C'es la vie" & Monica Bellucci in "Vita coi figli" |
 |
| Dona Speir in "Guns" & Emanuelle Escourrou in "Baby Blood" |
And The Winner of The Best Tits Oscar Is...
 |
| Jennifer Connelly for "The Hot Spot" |
 |
| Acceptance Speech: "It is with the utmost modesty and joy that I hold this amazing award in my hands. Thank you to everyone who voted to have my tits immortalized with this by-now legendary statuette. To actually beat such tit-legends as Dominique and Anna is a blessing and the dream of every aspiring starlet and floozie. Creating art - with the aid of bare-naked tits - is a process that requires dedication, hard work, and plenty of exhibitionism. The very idea that my melons get ogled by millions of lusting, horny, sweaty men excites me, thrills me and reminds me time and time again what a blessing it is to be a movie actress today. And yet, even though my tits may be great now, who knows how they'll look in 20-30 years. So I've decided to find a really powerful Hollywood director and marry him. That guarantees you at least one role a year. I think it might be Ron Howard, I've seen how the nepotistic little runt stares at me at Hollywood parties, no doubt his Ego must be so huge he'll never suspect that he's too ugly for me and that I'm just looking to benefit from his movie power. Oh well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do." |
1991.
 |
| Saskia Reeves in "Close My Eyes" (left) + "The Border Country" (right) |
 |
| Mimi Rogers in "The Rapture" & Elsa Lunghini in "Le retour de Casanova" |
 |
| Natasa Tic (not "Tits") Ralijan & Perica Martinovic in "Djuka Begovic" |
 |
| Mathilda May in "Becoming Colette" & Sarah Trigger in "Fellow Traveler" |
 |
| Michelle Johnson in "Tales From The Crypt" & Katherine Armstrong in "Ambition" |
 |
| Kate Langbroek in "Chances" |
 |
| Corinne Bourdon in "Van Gogh" |
 |
| Elizabeth Kaitan in "Vice Academy" & Irene Jacob "The Double Life of Veronique" |
 |
| Kristina Fulton in "The Doors" & Sophie Marceau in "Pour Sacha" |
 |
| Natalya Shchukina in "Nebesa obetovannye" |
 |
| Geno Lechner in "Liebe auf den ersten Blick" |
 |
| Geraldine Pailhas in "La neige et le feu" |
 |
| Judith Godreche in "Paris s'eveille" |
And The Best Boobs Of The Year Are...
 |
| Geneviève Picot for "Proof" |
Acceptance Speech: "What a wonderful, wonderful award you've given me for my lovely puffy nips. But this isn't about my tits, is it? It's about Art. (Chairman Vjetropev is shouting that it's about the tits.) I hope everyone sitting here today appreciates the kinds of sacrifices us actresses make every day for our Art. For example, giving in to the director who insisted that Hugo Weaving drools all over my boobs in that significant boob-winning scene. Have you any idea how disgusting that is? Hugo is a very ugly man, and I pick my men carefully, so you can imagine how many vomit bags I had to fill before that awful day of shooting was finally over. Hugo, of course, might one day become a star and find his own pair of stunning breasts to drool over, but right now he is a nobody and there's nothing worse than having to shoot a sex scene with a guy who's a nobody. Still, I will always be remembered as the tart who seduces a blind man in an Aussie drama nobody's even heard of, and that's no minor feat."
1992.
 |
| Mathilda May in "Toutes peines confondues" (left) & Monique Gabrielle in "Evil Toons" |
 |
| Corinna Harfouch in "Thea und Nat", Helen Hunt in "Waterdance" & Jane March in "The Lover" |
 |
| Lena Headey in "Waterland" & Romane Bohringer in "Les nuits fauves" |
 |
| Charlotte Gainsbourg in "Amoureuse" |
 |
| Tatjana Simic in "Flodder in Amerika" |
 |
| Debora Caprioglio in "Spiando marina" |
 |
| Jennifer Ehle in "The Camomile Lawn" |
 |
| Rachel Weisz in "Advocates II" |
 |
| Framziska Traub in "Die zweite Heimat" |
 |
| Marie Riva in "Rien du tout" |
 |
| Carolin Fink in "Die zweite Heimat" & Irina Lackmann in "Kinderspiele" |
 |
| Irene Kugler in "Die zweite Heimat" |
And The Best Tits Of The Year Are...
 |
| Penelope Cruz for "Jamon Jamon" |
 |
| Acceptance Speech: "Me gusta mucho de recibir esta statueta titusa, y I wanna say how happy I am that all that fake fucking on the screen paid off so good by me winning this great award. And I first Spanish winner of Best Tits Award so that make me double happy. I bet you all think it's another dumb Pedro Almodovar film? No, "Jamon Jamon" was directed by Duran Duran. Ha! I make little joke. No, that fat cabron Pedro had nothing to do with this el film, and you can actually tell it's not his el film coz there is no sexual perversion, and no ugly women showing their tits while overacting. An' I bet many actresses I beat this year are jealous of me, no? I bet that nepotistic putana Helen Cunt thinks just coz she decadent nepotistic produce of famous parents who get her a film career on silver plate that she gonna win big award like this immediately? Well, she wrong! She got nice tits to go with that ugly face, I admit, but I carry this award home, and I now so motivated to show my boobies in so many movies I make in future. I think I gonna have a great career as long as my boobs don't start falling down, no? Spanish films always have tits - coz we decadent like the French - so they always gonna want me to do panting, and screaming and nude tits jumpin' up and down and fake fucking in car-parks, no?" |
1993.
 |
| Barbara Ricci in "The Washing Machine" |
 |
| Esther Hausmann in "Derrick" & Asia Argento in "Trauma" |
 |
| Mädchen Amick in "Dream Lover" |
 |
| Stephanie Cooper & Carmel Johnson in "Bad Boy Bubby" |
 |
| Julie Walters in "The Wedding Gift" & Monica Bellucci in "Briganti" |
 |
| Jennifer Tilly in "Shadow of the Wolf" & Penelope Ann Miller in "Carlito's Way" |
 |
| Joely Richardson in "Lady Chatterley" |
 |
| Rosanna Arquette in "The Wrong Man" + "Nowhere to Run" |
 |
| Lysette Anthony in "Tales from the Crypt" |
 |
| Sarah Trigger in "Deadfall" |
 |
| Katja Riemann in "Ein Mann fur jede Tonart", Lili Taylor in "Household Saints" & Christiane Paul in "Ich und Christine" |
 |
| Oksana Arbuzova in "Zaveshchaniye Stalina" & Sherilyn Fenn in "Boxing Helena" |
 |
| Pamela Rabe in "Sirens" |
 |
| Ruth Marshall in "Love & Human Remains" |
 |
| Tatyana Chepikova in "Malenkiy gigant bolshogo seksa" |
And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...
 |
| Madonna for "Body of Evidence" |
Acceptance Speech: "Ha! I finally won an Oscar! As I knew I would. The whole world knows about my immense talents, which stretch all the way from impersonating a singer to flashing my tits on stage and flashing my tits in movies, but OK, I forgive the world, you know. Soon - very soon - I will get the other Oscar too, and then I'll be a legend like Marilyn Monroe, who is maybe beautiful whereas I'm fucking ugly, but hey it's the 90s, and nowadays you just need to be an asshole to succeed. And when I have both Oscars in my hands, I will be the most important woman in the universe, and everyone will listen to my important political views on why wars are bad and why Sean Penn is an intellectual and not a moron, and people will read my books about agriculture, architecture, astrophysics, cooking, psychology and French literature! And all will bow before me and recite the Kaballah over and over until I allow them to take a break to eat and shit, and I will replace Jesus as the new God, and all will love me as their one and only true queen, and my music will be played on loud-speakers in city squares all over the world at 300 decibels 24 hours a day, and my genetically perfect children will be treated as the future messiahs of the world, and I will own all the oceans and the mountains, and even the little rivers that go to all those strange countries where I tour to make huge amounts of money from all those cretins who buy my tickets, and I will still not be content!!! Oh my God, I suddenly feel like Cate Blanchet in Fellowship of the Ring in that scene when she puts the Ring of Power on her finger and visualizes killing everybody with a large machine-gun! I so agree with Camigula or whatever the hell his name was; if only all my enemies had one neck so I could snap it!"
1994.
 |
| Valeria Bruni Tedeschi in "Oublie-moi" & Marie Gillain in "Marie" |
 |
| Meredith Baxter in "My Breast" & Joy Gregory in "Blink" |
 |
| Lysette Anthony in "Save Me" |
 |
| Lara Flynn Boyle in "The Road to Wellville" & Liz Hurley in "Sharpe's Enemy" |
 |
| Jane March in "Colour of Night" |
 |
| Nadia Fares in "Elles n'oublient jamais" |
 |
| Kate Beckinsale in "Uncovered" |
 |
| Ruth Gabriel in "Running Out of Time" |
 |
| Aleksandra Kaniak in "The Art of Passion" |
 |
| Debra Beatty in "Witchcraft VI" |
 |
| Cristi Harris in "Night of the Demons 2" |
 |
| Sandrine Kiberlain in "Les patriotes" |
 |
| Vanessa Guedj in "Les braqueuses" & Michele Shor "The Sexual Life Of The Belgians" |
 |
| Julie Delpy in "Killing Zoe" |
 |
| Virginie Ledoyen in "La regle de l'homme" (photo) + "L'eau froide" & Sandrine Holt in "Rapa Nui" |
 |
| Kerry Fox in "Shallow Grave" & Bo Derek in "Woman Of Desire" |
And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...
 |
| Mathilda May for "La teta y la luna" |
Acceptance Speech: "When you sign up for a movie called The Tit & The Moon then you pretty much know what you're in for - namely plenty of tits! There's milk squirting out of tits, tits being taken out in the middle of the street in broad daylight, plenty of fucking of course, and even little boys sucking on tits; you know, the usual plethora of Euro-trash art-fart bullshit posing as metaphoric art. But as long as they pay me well, I'll flash my tits anywhere and any time. How long was it since my first Best Tits Oscar? 9 Years! Last time I had to share my win with that French floozy, so it's really nice to be the only winner this time around - and the first Best Tits repeat winner, I might add! And again I came out on top in one of the toughest years ever. Nadia and Kate: better luck next time. And you Meredith, there are rumours you failed to win the Oscar this year only because you showed just one tit. That'll teach you to be shy when trying to titilate audiences. Come on, girl, you gotta take both tits out! As for Jane, you had real actual sex in those porn scenes in The Lover, you know you did! Quit bullshitting your fans, we all saw his dick going inside, you dumb bimbo. And you would have done it again this year, except that Bruce Willis had his wife on the set all the time."
Best Tits Oscars 1995-1999:
http://vjetropevsoscars.blogspot.rs/2016/03/oscars-for-best-tits-1995-1999.html
http://vjetropevsoscars.blogspot.rs/2016/03/oscars-for-best-tits-1995-1999.html
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