The
Acadumby Awards, better known as the Oscars, is one of the stupidest,
phoniest, cheesiest, and most ridiculous annual events (of any kind) in
the world - that much we know. However, what very few of you do know is
that every year Hollywood honours actresses with the obscure but to me
most prestigious award of them all - the Best Tits Oscar.
I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.
Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 politically-correct morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).
How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.
RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.
LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold orange lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.
So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.
A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.
1995.
And The Best Tits Award Goes To...
Acceptance Speech: "For those of you who still don't believe in the miraculous healing power of Scientology, just take a look at my tits, won't you?... My my my, where do I even begin?... First of all, I'd like to thank my Grand Wizard & Lord of the Universe Mister L. Ron Hubbard, for all that he has done for me and my tiny brain by deleting all the awful alien memories from it. Only with a totally new and empty brain was I able to re-kindle my movie career and climb the height that is this amazing award. After all, didn't Hitchcock once say that actors were all cows? Well, not only am I a cow that now perfectly remembers her lines again (coz Scientologist lobotomies are of the highest quality in the world), but I am also a real cow with great big tits, and what cow wouldn't be proud of being honoured for its milk-producing teats? Not that I planned to have either kids or milk when I was married with Tom (Cruise), mind you, coz he doesn't swing that way. All he ever did with my breasts was hold a tea cup and wait for milk to come down! I had to explain to the dummie that my tits are big not coz of the milk - that wasn't there - but because God Hubbard had made them that way in order for me to conquer the movie world. I also reminded him that boobs are supposed to be sexual objects, but he didn't like me even mentiong that, and he started vomiting for days after that and stopped only after Travolta came to sexually take him from behind. Anyway... I am thrilled to win in such a highly competitive year such as this, actually beating Romane and Shannon. As for you, Molly, why did you take them out so late in your career? The 80s gave you everything, but now you realize that looking like an angst-ridden teen at the age of 30 isn't exactly helping matters. Perhaps you should join us... Join us. JOIN US! I beckon you ALLLLLL to JOIN US!!! Master Hubbard will fulfill ALL your wishes, and once he is done with your tiny brains, they will be even tinier hence even more suitable for acting, and you shall thank his Royal Hugeness for it, and beg to lick his feet! I know I did."
1996.
And The Winner Is...
Acceptance Speech: "A big wet juicy B-movie kiss to all the Academy voters who made this dream come true. Losing to Mimi Rogers last year was a bitter pill to swallow because everyone tells me I have the best tits in Hollywood. But after faking sex in dozens of low-budget pieces of shit, it is a huge relief to finally get some respect for it, namely from all of you guys. Sissi, better luck next time. And Romane, if you wanna finally win this award you need to start showing more tits, not less. But hey, I'm not complaining; when my greatest competition only shyly reveals a bit of a breast here and a bit of a breast there, that leaves me with the trophy."
1997.
And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...
Acceptance Speech: "Mein Gott! Das kann doch nicht wahr sein, oder? Ich wusste dass meine Karierre so rapide katapultiert sobald ich meine Muschi and meine obergeile Titten der nerdischen Filmwelt zeige, aber haette ich das erwartet? Nie und nimmer! Was fur ein Jahr! Penelopes und Lisas Titten zu schlagen, was fur ein Traum! Aber noch schoner ist es nicht eine sondern gleich zwei Deutsche Frauen zu schlagen - und wenn ich mich nicht irre macht das 4 Deutsche Titten uber denen ich siege, wow. Anyway, I try in English now... This award is so great, it makes me believe that I make art not just for money and fame, but for Best Tits awards as well, so my career ist now perfekt. Und du, Jenny, wenn you willst to winnen noch eine Awarden, du needst to show both Titten, otherwise du don't getst nominated."
1998.
And The Best Tits Oscar Winner Is...
Acceptance Speech: "Je suis tres heureux que la France gagne tant souvent cette statuette magnifique. Mais tout le monde sait deja que les films francaises sont absolutement decadent, et ont beaucoup de perversite, de l'incest, de violence sexuelle, et tout d'autre subjects taboos et mechants qui existent. Je suis fier que je fait encore un autre film francais qui a un histoire d'une jeune fille quelle baise avec un laid homme d'age moyen. C'est quelle nombre de films francais dans lequelle une lolita baise une homme vieillissement? 1593? Oui, cette nombre semble etre realistique."
1999.
And The Winner Of The Best Tits Oscar Is...
Acceptance Speech: "I am delighted to pick up this award, even though I know most other girls take it a little too seriously. Thank you to everyone who supported me throughout my career, and please don't forget to also check out Vjetropev's other award-winning boobs, from the 70s and 80s. Those gals had pretty nice breasts too, and some of them went on to become quite famous."
I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.
Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 politically-correct morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).
How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.
RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.
LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold orange lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.
So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.
A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.
Oscars For Best Tits: 1995-1999
1995.
 |
| Romane Bohringer in "Total Eclipse" |
 |
| Holly Marie Combs in "A Reason To Believe" & Amira Casar in "Ainsi soient elles" |
 |
| Marie Gillain in "L'appat" |
 |
| Sonia Braga in "Two Deaths" |
 |
| Vivian Hsu in "Devil Angel" & Molly Ringwald in "Malicious" |
 |
| Tiziana Lodato in "Starmaker" |
 |
| Natasha Henstridge in "Species" |
 |
| Marika Lagercrantz in "All Things Fair" & Dante McCarthy in "Showgirls" |
 |
| Priscilla Barnes in "The Crossing Guard" (left) + "Mallrats" (right) |
 |
| Linda Jelemma in "Walhalla" |
 |
| Katja Riemann in "Stadtgesprach" & Georgina Cates in "An Awfully Big Adventure" |
 |
| Shannon Whirry in "Private Obsession" |
 |
| Dinara Drukarova in "The Son Of Gascogne" |
 |
| Cynda Williams in "Condition Red" |
 |
| Renata Dancewicz in "Pulkownik Kwiatkowski" |
 |
| Rose McGowan in "The Doom Generation" |
 |
| Sophie Marceau in "Beyond the Clouds" & Tina Kellegher in "The Hanging Gale" |
And The Best Tits Award Goes To...
 |
| Mimi Rogers in "Full Body Massage" |
Acceptance Speech: "For those of you who still don't believe in the miraculous healing power of Scientology, just take a look at my tits, won't you?... My my my, where do I even begin?... First of all, I'd like to thank my Grand Wizard & Lord of the Universe Mister L. Ron Hubbard, for all that he has done for me and my tiny brain by deleting all the awful alien memories from it. Only with a totally new and empty brain was I able to re-kindle my movie career and climb the height that is this amazing award. After all, didn't Hitchcock once say that actors were all cows? Well, not only am I a cow that now perfectly remembers her lines again (coz Scientologist lobotomies are of the highest quality in the world), but I am also a real cow with great big tits, and what cow wouldn't be proud of being honoured for its milk-producing teats? Not that I planned to have either kids or milk when I was married with Tom (Cruise), mind you, coz he doesn't swing that way. All he ever did with my breasts was hold a tea cup and wait for milk to come down! I had to explain to the dummie that my tits are big not coz of the milk - that wasn't there - but because God Hubbard had made them that way in order for me to conquer the movie world. I also reminded him that boobs are supposed to be sexual objects, but he didn't like me even mentiong that, and he started vomiting for days after that and stopped only after Travolta came to sexually take him from behind. Anyway... I am thrilled to win in such a highly competitive year such as this, actually beating Romane and Shannon. As for you, Molly, why did you take them out so late in your career? The 80s gave you everything, but now you realize that looking like an angst-ridden teen at the age of 30 isn't exactly helping matters. Perhaps you should join us... Join us. JOIN US! I beckon you ALLLLLL to JOIN US!!! Master Hubbard will fulfill ALL your wishes, and once he is done with your tiny brains, they will be even tinier hence even more suitable for acting, and you shall thank his Royal Hugeness for it, and beg to lick his feet! I know I did."
1996.
 |
| Thandie Newton in "The Leading Man" & Jasmin Tabatabai in "Die Putzfrauinsel" |
 |
| Karen Sillas & Azalea Davila in "Female Perversions" & Sonia Braga in "Tieta do Agreste" |
 |
| Marcia Cross in "Female Perversions" & Romane Bohringer in "L'appartement" |
 |
| Angelina Jolie in "Mojave Moon" (left) + "Foxfire" (right) |
 |
| Marion Cotillard in "Chloe" |
 |
| Sissi Perlinger in "Der letzte Kurier" & Natascha McElhone in "Surviving Picasso" |
 |
| Cecilia Nash in "Rentners Rente" & Amanda Ooms in "Wilderness" |
 |
| Therese Scholze in "Mensch Pia" |
 |
| Raelee Hill in "Hotel de Love" |
 |
| Katarzyna Figura in "Autoportret z kochanka" |
 |
| Tanya Celaya in "Tres dias de libertad" |
 |
| Leslie Zemeckis in "Encounters" (top and middle) + "Damien's Seed" |
 |
| Nina Hoss in "A Girl Called Rosemarie" |
And The Winner Is...
 |
| Shannon Whirry in "Ringer" |
Acceptance Speech: "A big wet juicy B-movie kiss to all the Academy voters who made this dream come true. Losing to Mimi Rogers last year was a bitter pill to swallow because everyone tells me I have the best tits in Hollywood. But after faking sex in dozens of low-budget pieces of shit, it is a huge relief to finally get some respect for it, namely from all of you guys. Sissi, better luck next time. And Romane, if you wanna finally win this award you need to start showing more tits, not less. But hey, I'm not complaining; when my greatest competition only shyly reveals a bit of a breast here and a bit of a breast there, that leaves me with the trophy."
1997.
 |
| Yvonne Scio in "Redline" |
 |
| Thandie Newton in "Gridlock'd" & Lisa Harrow in "Sunday" |
 |
| Penelope Cruz in "Abre los ojos" & Jennifer Connelly in "Inventing the Abbots" |
 |
| Veronica Ferres in "Rossini" |
 |
| Sasha Hails in "See the Sea" |
 |
| Jaime Pressly in "Poison Ivy" |
 |
| Stefania Rocca in "Nirvana", Ilona Elkin in "The Hunger" |
 |
| Annette Frier in "Post-mortem" |
 |
| Bonnie-Jaye Lawrence in "Maslin Beach" |
 |
| Agnieszka Wlodarczyk in "Sara" |
 |
| Katharina Schuttler in "Ausgerastet" |
 |
| Heather Graham in "Boogie Nights" & Charlize Theron in "The Devil's Advocate" |
 |
| Crystal Cass in "The Outer Limits" |
 |
| Rose McGowan in "Lewis & Clark & George" & Claire Keim in "J'irai au paradis car l'enfer est ici" |
 |
| Jeannie Millar in "Black Scorpion 2" & Camilla Renschke in "Tatort: Inflagranti" |
 |
| Mary Kapper in "Night Vision" |
And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...
 |
| Susanne Bormann in "Raus aus der Haut" |
Acceptance Speech: "Mein Gott! Das kann doch nicht wahr sein, oder? Ich wusste dass meine Karierre so rapide katapultiert sobald ich meine Muschi and meine obergeile Titten der nerdischen Filmwelt zeige, aber haette ich das erwartet? Nie und nimmer! Was fur ein Jahr! Penelopes und Lisas Titten zu schlagen, was fur ein Traum! Aber noch schoner ist es nicht eine sondern gleich zwei Deutsche Frauen zu schlagen - und wenn ich mich nicht irre macht das 4 Deutsche Titten uber denen ich siege, wow. Anyway, I try in English now... This award is so great, it makes me believe that I make art not just for money and fame, but for Best Tits awards as well, so my career ist now perfekt. Und du, Jenny, wenn you willst to winnen noch eine Awarden, du needst to show both Titten, otherwise du don't getst nominated."
1998.
 |
| Stefania Rocca in "Viola" + "Amiche Davvero" (lower left) |
 |
| Paulina Porizkova in "Thursday" & Carla Gugino in "Jaded" |
 |
| Thandie Newton in "Besieged" |
 |
| Vanessa Guedj in "Lautrec" |
 |
| Angelina Jolie in "Gia" & Asia Argento in "B. Monkey" (photo) + "New Rose Hotel" |
 |
| Adjoa Andoh in "Close Relations" |
 |
| Emily Mortimer in "Coming Home" |
 |
| Laura Tonke in "Just Married" |
 |
| Franziska Petri in "Annas Fluch: Todliche Gedanken" & Lara-Joy Korner in "Todliche Diamanten" |
 |
| Leslie Lindsay (Zemeckis) in "Restless Souls" |
 |
| Rosanna Arquette in "Voodoo Dawn" & Cosma Shiva Hagen "Der Laden" |
And The Best Tits Oscar Winner Is...
 |
| Sophie Guillemin in "L'ennui" |
Acceptance Speech: "Je suis tres heureux que la France gagne tant souvent cette statuette magnifique. Mais tout le monde sait deja que les films francaises sont absolutement decadent, et ont beaucoup de perversite, de l'incest, de violence sexuelle, et tout d'autre subjects taboos et mechants qui existent. Je suis fier que je fait encore un autre film francais qui a un histoire d'une jeune fille quelle baise avec un laid homme d'age moyen. C'est quelle nombre de films francais dans lequelle une lolita baise une homme vieillissement? 1593? Oui, cette nombre semble etre realistique."
1999.
 |
| Julienne Davis in "Eyes Wide Shut" & Greta Scacchi in "Cotton Mary" |
 |
| Kate Winslet in "Holy Smoke" (above) + "Hideous Kinky" (below) |
 |
| Kelly Monaco in "Idle Hands" (the one with the big tits) & Marie Gillain in "Le dernier harem" (the one with the small tits) |
 |
| Isild le Besco in "Le choix d'Elodie" |
 |
| Emmanuelle Seigner in "The Ninth Gate" & Thora Birch in "American Beauty" |
 |
| Rene Russo in "The Thomas Crown Affair" (above) & Lara Belmont in "The War Zone" |
 |
| Carole Mackereth in "Total Recall 2070" |
 |
| Claire Skinner in "Second Sight" & Lorri Bagley in "Trick" |
 |
| Heike Makatsch in "Aimee & Jaguar" & Dijn Blom in "Jezus is een Palestijn" |
 |
| Jenya Lano in "Fashionably L.A." & Katharina Bohm in "Commissario Montalbano" |
 |
| Sacha Horler in "Soft Fruit" |
 |
| Nicole Ansari in "A Show biz ans Ende" |
 |
| Elia Galera in "The Ugliest Woman in the World" |
 |
| Manuela Arcuri in "Pepe Carvalho: Alla ricerca de Sheherazade" |
 |
| Gaela Le Devehat in "Les infortunes de la beaute" |
And The Winner Of The Best Tits Oscar Is...
 |
| Gretchen Mol in "Forever Mine" |
Acceptance Speech: "I am delighted to pick up this award, even though I know most other girls take it a little too seriously. Thank you to everyone who supported me throughout my career, and please don't forget to also check out Vjetropev's other award-winning boobs, from the 70s and 80s. Those gals had pretty nice breasts too, and some of them went on to become quite famous."
Best Tits Blowscars 2000-2001:
A Wonderful Mockery of Occupy Wall Street:
To find out some sordid details about cinema legend Humphrey Bogart, read this text:
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